The Crandidate’s Bird Party Platform
Today, many Americans are unhappy with the two major parties’ presidential candidates. Clearly, it is time for a Bird Party candidate. And that is why we are trotting out The Crandidate. He is left-wing and right-wing, making him the well-centered leader we all crave.
Raised on a farm in Arkansas, The Crandidate comes from humble beginnings. Yet his family scratched and saved to send him to prep school at Eggxeter where he starred on the football team as a wingback. This success earned him a scholarship to Cranford University where he studied biochemistry, writing his senior thesis on the effects of tryptophan. He went on to law school at George Wattle University and has since enjoyed a successful private practice, most notably winning presidential pardons for clients on Thanksgiving Day.
Now, focusing his energy on a nation hungry for a better choice, The Crandidate graciously accepts the Bird Party’s nomination and pledges to end our nation’s squabbling and get us back to gobbling.
His campaign is sponsored by MOOYAH Burgers, Fries & Shakes.
With this platform, The Crandidate presents our case to the American people.
We believe in:
Buns baked in-house daily, crisp veggies, hand-cut fries, and of course, all-natural turkey. Don’t settle for the other candidates’ stale policies.
Americans deserve a place where they can play with their food and not be judged. Anything else is not only un-American, it’s un-tasty.
Burgers should have just the right amount of bun, meat, veggies & condiments. A deficit in any of these is detrimental to the nation’s palates.
The nation’s most delicious burgers should have a minimum of 10 sauces to choose from. Americans deserve a better burger than their parents had.
Turkey burgers should taste as delicious as hamburgers. After all, this nation was founded on equality for all.